The Economy is so Bad that . . .
------------------------------------

-I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

-I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

-CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

-If the bank returns your check marked  "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

-Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

-McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

-Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

-A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

-Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

-The Mafia is laying off judges.

-Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

-Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!!  The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

-And, finally... 
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!

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The Economy is so Bad that . . .
------------------------------------

-I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

-I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

-CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

-If the bank returns your check marked  "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

-Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

-McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

-Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

-A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

-Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

-The Mafia is laying off judges.

-Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

-Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!!  The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

-And, finally... 
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!

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The Bathtub Test
------------------------------------

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

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We'll be Found!
------------------------------------

Two men crashed in their private plane on a South Pacific Island . Both survived. One of the men brushed himself off and then proceeded to run all over the island to see if they had any chance of survival.

When he returned, he rushed up to the other man and screamed, 'This Island is uninhabited, there is no food, there is no water. We are going to die!'

The other man leaned back against the fuselage of the wrecked plane, folded his arms and responded, "No we're not. I make over $250,000 a week."

The first man grabbed his friend and shook him. "Listen, we are on an uninhabited island. There is no food, no water. We are going to die!"

The other man, unruffled, again responded. "No, I make over $250,000 a week."

Mystified, the first man, taken aback with such an answer again repeated, "For the last time, I'm telling you we ARE doomed. There is NO one else on this island. There is NO food. There is NO water. We are, I repeat, going to die a slow death."

Still un-phased, the first man looked the other in the eyes and Said, "Do not make me say this again. I make over $250,000 per week, I am a Baptist, and I tithe........ MY PASTOR WILL FIND US!"

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TALKING PENNSYLVANIAN
------------------------------------

For those who think we 'talk funny' or use 'big  words', here's why ...

  Once a Pennsylvanian, ALWAYS a  Pennsylvanian!

                    About Pennsylvanians: You've never referred  to Philadelphia as anything but  'Philly' and New Jersey has always been ' Jersey .'

                We don't go to the beach, we go 'down  the shore.'

  You refer to Pennsylvania as 'PA'  (pronounced Pee-Ay).  How many other states do  that??

  'You guys' (or even 'youze guys', in  some places) is a  perfectly acceptable  reference  to a group of men and women.

  You know how to respond to the question  'Djeetyet?' ( Did you eat yet ?) 

  You learned to pronounce Bryn Mawr,  Wilkes-Barre, Schuylkill, the Poconos, Tamaqua, Kutztown,Tunkahannock, Bala Cynwyd,  Duquesne and Monongahela. also Conshohocken.

  And we know Lancaster is pronounced  Lank-ister, not  Lan-kaster.

  You  know what a 'Mummer'  is, and are disappointed if you can't catch at least highlights  of the parade. 

  At least five  people on your block have electric 'candles' in all or most of  their windows all year long. 

  You know what a 'State Store' is, and  your out-of-state friends find it incredulous that you can't  purchase liquor at the  mini-mart.

Words like  'hoagie,' 'crick,' 'chipped ham,' 'dippy eggs', 'sticky buns,'  'shoo-fly pie,' 'lemon sponge pie',  'pierogies'  and 'pocketbook' actually mean something to  you. ( By the way, that last one's PA slang for a  purse!)

  You not only have  heard of Birch Beer, but you know it comes in several colors. 

  You know the difference between a  cheese steak and a pizza steak sandwich, and you know that you  also can't get a really good one anywhere outside of the Philly  area. (Except maybe in Atlantic City on the  boardwalk.)

  You  know that Blue Ball, Intercourse,  Paradise, Climax, Bird-in-Hand, Beaver, Moon, Virginville, Mars,  Bethlehem, Hershey, Indiana, Sinking Spring, Jersey Shore, State  College, Washington Crossing, Jim Thorpe, King of Prussia, Wind  Gap, and Slippery Rock are all PA towns ... and the first three  were consecutive stops on the old Reading RR! (PS - That's  pronounced Redd-ing.) 

  You can identify drivers from New York , New  Jersey , Maryland or other neighboring states by their unique  and irritating driving  habits.

  A  traffic jam in Lancaster County is 10 cars waiting to pass  a horse-drawn carriage on the highway. (And remember ... that's  Lank-ister!)

  You know several people who have  hit deer more than once.

  Driving is always better in winter because the potholes  are filled with snow.

  As a kid you built snow forts and leaf piles  that were taller than you  were.

  You actually understand all this and send it  out to other Pennsylvanians or former  Pennsylvanians. It's scary, isn't it!

  YEAH!  THAT'S GOOD OL' 'PA'  AND WE LOVE IT!

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SIGN IN A

WHITING, INDIANA

STORE  FRONT WINDOW

 

 

'WE  WOULD RATHER

DO  BUSINESS WITH

1,000 AL QAEDA  TERRORISTS

THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN

SOLDIER!'

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Whiting, Indiana. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.

 

And after all, it is just a sign.

You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign.

 

 

 

Answer:

Owens Funeral Home

Who said FUNERAL DIRECTORS have no sense of humor!

 

 

You gotta love it!

God Bless America

AND

God Bless OUR Soldiers!

Pray for Our Deployed Troops!! 

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Daylight Savings
------------------------------------
With Daylight Savings Time ending this weekend, I thought this one-liner was appropriate! (Tim)

When told the reason for Daylight Saving Time, the Old Indian said,

"Only the Government would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket, sew it to the bottom, and have a longer blanket."

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The Talking Centipede
------------------------------------

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.  So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet..

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "HEY IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO CHURCH WITH ME AND LEARN ABOUT GOD?"

This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time!

I'm putting on my shoes!"

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Puns
------------------------------------

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Dockyard: A physician's garden.

Incongruous: Where bills are passed.

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The Economy is so bad . . .
------------------------------------

1)  CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

2)  Jewish women are marrying for love.

3)  Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

4)  Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

5)  Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package:  GE, Pfeizer and Citigroup.

6)  McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

7)  Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

8)  A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico .

9)  The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

10)  Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

11)  People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

12)  Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US ?"

13)  Motel Six won't leave the light on.

14)  The Mafia is laying off judges.

15)  And finally...Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.  Hey, neat.... the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear

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